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July 28th, 2008

08:01 am - I just noticed......
I bought a motorcycle Monday, and I was going to write about how this machine has become my nemesis, but then I noticed that I never talked about my trip to Ecuador.... so.

I was in Ecuador for two weeks

I am terrified of flying. My first flight was from Birmingham to Atlanta. Even though I didn't say anything during the flight, when we touched down in Atlanta, the girl sitting next to me said, "You did good." All of my subsequent flights were much better because in Atlanta I learned my personal pre-flight cocktail.... Two beers, a pomegranate martini, dramamine, and a klonopin.

I had a two day lay over in Miami. If you have never been to Miami, don't go. I like to describe it thusly: Even though I didn't see any dogs, I fully expected to be attacked by one.

When I finally arrived in Ecuador, I immediately discovered that I had made an enormous mistake. As it turns out, I don't speak any Spanish, and they sure as hell didn't speak any English. I didn't eat for two days. I would go into places, try to speak a little Spanish and point to things on the menu. They would insist on saying gibberish back to me, and eventually I would just leave. On the second day, I wrote an email to Allison telling her to call the airline and get me out of Ecuador. It would have cost me $800.00 so I stayed. That night, I went to a restaurant, pointed to something and refused to leave until food of some sort was brought to me.

After about the third day, when I calmed down and resigned to the idea that I was going to die in this place, my Spanish started coming back to me. At least well enough to get food, and to get my general point across. I decided to start off my sight seeing slowly, so I went to the equator. It is a funny place because about a hundred years ago they placed a huge, elaborate monument on what they thought was the equator. Then GPSs came out...... As it turns out, there were about 500 yards off. So, the people who own the land 500 yards away, built their own monument. It is a car tire with a sign post sticking out of it. If you go there, they do all of these bizarre experiments to prove to you that you are on the real equator. In one of these, they demonstrate how you are not as strong when you stand directly on the line. To prove this, they asked for the strongest person in the crowd..... And everyone pointed to me! I was, of course, very surprised. Then it dawned on me that at 6'4, I was probably the biggest person in the whole country. I'm pretty sure that the tour guide called me "White Giant."

After that, I became much more adventurous in my explorations. I climbed a volcano.... half way. Rode through the Andes on the Pan-American Highway where I was nearly killed by a land slide, and got lost for several hours by myself in the rain forest.

Maybe I'll post pictures with captions later. Because I went alone, I'm only in a few of them.

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July 24th, 2008

12:47 pm - Chaplain Tappman Presents:
I'm not sure how many of you know Mary Tubbs, but she's leaving. Heading North. So, over the past week, we have put together a "band" to send her off. Mary, DJ Bin Rock'n, a special guest, and myself will be performing an electronic rock operetta of sorts at Egans tonight. Round about 10 or 11. We will be using computers and a guitar in an effort to tell the story of The Adventures of Milo and Otis.

Heres a taste. I can't claim that its going to be good, but if you aren't doing anything else.....

Chaplain Tappman Presents: The Adventures of Milo and Otis

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July 11th, 2008

08:30 pm - Lord Amighty
Adam Pate video'd us on his computer phone doing "Tha Club" at Ashfest.

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June 30th, 2008

03:37 pm - Well.... I officiated a wedding! amongst other things.
I don't ever use this computer page anymore, but it was a big weekend... so...

I premiered two bands Thursday. Both of which far exceeded my expectations.

James Spann and the Suspenders:

A ring girl (Spike in a bikini and high heels) who held up signs with the names of each song before we played them, a plethora of dancers, John Biggham dressed as Santa Clause throwing peppermints at people, a DJ with a video screen, original poetry about zebras and the movie Twister, and Casey and myself..... All for 4 songs.


Named for Dr. Asshole for no particular reason. Barkeep Billa singing like a singer should. Rolling in the floor and jumping about.

Then theres the WEDDING:

I got ordained on the Internet a long time ago, and when Blaine Duncan asked if I would officiate his wedding, I did not think he was serious. I kept telling him things like, "I'm just going to fart into the microphone and say "Married!" and that I was going to end the ceremony by shooting bottle rockets from my sleeves. Turns out he was serious. So, the Friday after I played with the two above mentioned bands plus the Universe, I had to get up at 5:30am and go to Florida to officiate a beach side wedding.

When I got there, I realized that this was a REAL wedding. The family was there, there were flowers, brides maids, the whole bit. So I freaked out, locked myself in the bathroom, sat in the bath tub for many hours trying to figure out exactly what I was going to do. I convinced myself that I would screw up so badly that Kelly(the bride) would begin crying and storm off from her own wedding. Thankfully, everything went off without a hitch.

After the wedding, I was relieved to have made it through the weekend without humiliating myself. Then I went to the reception. I was in line for the food with a groomsman standing next to me. I used tongs that were clasped together to get myself a chicken skewer. When I put the tongs back down, the clasp came undone splattering chicken grease and marinade all over the groomsman's white tuxedo shirt and also ruining his pants. I, of course, apologized and explained the mechanics of what had happened. It did occur to me that he took the ruining of his clothing well. Then I found out why.

For some reason in all of my worrying about the wedding, it had never occurred to me that there would be people there who were not aware that I was not a real preacher. This finally did dawn on me after drinking about 6 beers when someone said the following:

"You know, I knew a preacher one time and he used to drink some to. I never really saw anything wrong with it. I always thought a lot of him."

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March 24th, 2008

09:31 am - And while we're at it..
Let Glen tell you about his books!

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09:17 am - Danzig's Shopping List
Casey recently brought this to my attention. Danzig's grocery shopping list:

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March 13th, 2008

04:36 pm - A run down of airport security
So with Saturday being the first time that I will have ever been on a plane, I thought that I should find out what I can and can not bring on board. Here are some of the more interesting finds:

Under "Makeup, Medication, Personal Items & Special Needs Devices"
"Toy Transformer Robots" are definitely allowed. It specifically says so, though there is no mention of any other types of toys. Sorry girls.

Under "Sharp Objects"
Sabers and Swords are not allowed as carry on, but they can be in your checked baggage.
The same goes for Spear Guns as outlined under "Sporting Goods."

Under "Explosive and Flammable Materials"
Under no circumstances can you board a plane with dynamite or hand grenades.  This applies both to carry on, and checked baggage.

Under "Other Items"
"Snow globes and like decorations regardless of size or amount of liquid inside, even with documentation."
Don't even think about it, asshole.

Here's the full rundown

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March 12th, 2008

11:21 am
I'm going to Washington, D.C. this weekend for no particular reason.

Is this funny or scary?


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February 26th, 2008

01:18 pm
For graphical representations of rap music:


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February 20th, 2008

10:33 am

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